Writing Challenge Day 5

Limitless

On my way back to the house after putting something in the bin, I spotted a couple of honeyeaters hopping between the radiant grevillea flowers, looking for the sweetest nectar. "Aren’t they lucky?” I thought. My mind wandered for a bit, and suddenly, I paused... a flash of clarity— and I mean, the whole body, all senses, crystal clear, unlimited access to every part of my brain, like Bradley Cooper in the movie Limitless, kind of clarity.

It was time! I could do this! No, better yet, I had been doing this on my own since Emma was born. What was the difference? I am doing this! I didn’t need him to be happy. I am strong and independent, and I was managing my life just fine before we met. We were supposed to bring out the best in each other, but his actions became increasingly controlling. Over the years, I was swindled under his narcissistic spell. I consider myself an intelligent woman. How did this happen to me?

My anxiety levels were through the roof in the days before he’d come home. It would only be a matter of time before he’d snap again. Watching my eldest usher her younger sister into her bedroom and close the door behind her during another one of his meltdowns a few weeks ago was the final straw.

In this limitless moment, I took back my control, starting with throwing myself a big 40th birthday party that was six weeks away. In our 15 years together, there had been minimal effort, if any, for my birthdays. Meanwhile, his was celebrated for the entire month. You get my drift. It was always about him and his needs.

That was all about to end, no matter how scary and hard it would be. I can do this! Two years of careful planning, counselling, and financial advice prepared me for this moment. Today was the day I was going to take my life back. The kids were happily playing, and he seemed calm. The timing was crucial for what was about to happen to go without a hitch and for him not to blow up.

It sounds awful, but I groomed him for months, planting seeds for this exact moment. With my calmest voice, I told him I had written him a letter. He sat down behind the screen and read all six pages I had so carefully composed over the past two years. Surprisingly, he took it better than I could have hoped for. He even agreed to tell the kids together that their lives were about to change.

Mum and Dad believe it is better for us to live in two happy houses rather than one sad and angry one. That was eight years ago. It was the hardest and bravest thing I have ever done. It has been anything but easy, but I am worth it. I have learned a lot in those eight years, especially how to deal with his continued attempts to exert control. The most important lessons are: 1. ask for help; and 2. I learned to say two powerful sentences: "No, that is not my problem" and "Don’t make it my problem," followed by... no further reaction.

I hope those words will be helpful for someone who needs them.

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