Writing Challenge Day 10
A Bridge to Icandeliver Land
A blended tornado of euphoric anticipation and petrifying, heavy-as-black-tar dread fills the lining of my gut. This sensation has haunted me for several years, accompanied by the premonition that something big will happen. A few friends and fellow artists have mentioned it, and even several strangers following my evolving art practice sense that something significant lies on my path. The hairs on my body shiver upright, and my tummy churns again.
There is an uncanny awareness of impending success that is absolutely terrifying. I am not ready for what lies ahead. It must sound unbelievable to be scared of success. Is it the success I fear or the responsibilities that come with it? I am 100% certain it is the latter. How will being selected for a significant grant, public commission, interstate commission, or, who knows, an international show affect my life? Am I prepared?
Slow down, Miek! You are where you need to be; don’t get ahead of yourself. When I ask myself these questions and see them on paper, I realise that if I am asking them, I am not prepared. The unknown terrain on the other side of my almost completed bridge to Icandeliver Land will be challenging to navigate without a roadmap, a backpack filled with the right tools, the finesse in carving the pillars, and the smarts to install it according to the required safety guidelines.
I can confidently wade through small streams, such as the smaller RADF (Regional Arts Development Funding) grants and exhibition applications for smaller galleries. I have prepared and filled in bigger EOIs but have never made that big jump over the creek. For those big jumps, you can’t fake it till you make it, and I can’t afford to crash into that ravine and have to rebuild my confidence and reputation.
I have chipped away by asking the right questions, upskilling, and gaining more experience at every missing stepping stone that prevents me from completing the form. Since I am not proficient in budgeting, planning, contracts, and compiling proposals, they require ten times the effort, discipline, and focus. As a hardcore ADHD-er, that is almost impossible, especially if it's something that isn't inherently satisfying.
You can imagine the EOIs and big projects as the deepest, darkest, endless crevasse I want and need to bridge. Only with all the pillars positioned just right will the bridge be strong enough to allow me to reach Icandeliver Land. Building this bridge has taken me about eight years, the same amount of time it took to build the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
Much like Norman Selfe, the designer and engineer of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, I have a vision. I have been carrying one particular idea in my backpack for years. I get excited thinking about it. However, it is a massive undertaking and will take some time to develop and produce the enormous immersive art installation. I pitched it to a festival long ago to see how the producers would react. To my surprise, they just about jumped out of their seats and begged me to include it in the program. I was not expecting that reaction, and it scared the living daylights out of me. I wasn’t ready to embark on such a big project,..... yet.
It has taken another three years of learning to select the appropriate timber, carve the supports just right, pour the proper footings, and install it all to hold my weight. I completed my bridge, and yesterday, I got to test if it was strong enough during a one-day Intense for Creatives event organised by the creative arts team from the local council. We were encouraged to bring our biggest dreams and consider the impossible. Rather than cowering and not even taking it out of my backpack, I reacted with a big FUCK YEAH!
The Bring Your Biggest Ideas EOI will arrive in my inbox tomorrow and I am sending in my big idea. Even though I know the pillars I worked so hard on are strong enough, the fear in my gut still lingers. I have learned to sit with this fear, acknowledge it, look it straight in the eye, and say: “Step aside; I believe and have confidence in my masterfully crafted bridge. You can observe to keep me safe but do not interfere. The supports and pillars are strong and allow me to cross safely. I am ready and excited for whatever adventure will come my way in Icandeliver Land."
—-
